Naughty Parts Of

Shakespeare Romeo and Juliet

The most assigned love story in the English language is also stuffed with jokes that no ninth-grade class has ever been walked through — Shakespeare wrote for a paying crowd, and the crowd wanted both the poetry and the punchlines under it.

Every teacher hurries past these: the Nurse's husband's joke about which way a girl will fall when she comes of age, Mercutio conjuring Romeo by his mistress's anatomy, and a newlywed thirteen-year-old commanding the sun to set so her wedding night can start. All of it is the actual assigned text.

25,634Words he wrote

486Words kept

1.9%Of the original

2 minTo read it all

254 / 232 / 0Core / keeper / bonus words

Shakespeare's text as printed in the Project Gutenberg edition (#1513), unaltered. Project Gutenberg #1513. Cited by act and scene, derived from the passage's position in the text.

Thou Wilt Fall Backward

The Nurse's favourite story: baby Juliet fell on her face, and the Nurse's late husband picked her up with a joke about how she'd fall the other way when she was older — and the baby stopped crying and said 'Ay.' The Nurse has been telling it at parties ever since; she tells it twice in this scene.

And then my husband,—God be with his soul! A was a merry man,—took up the child: ‘Yea,’ quoth he, ‘dost thou fall upon thy face? Thou wilt fall backward when thou hast more wit; Wilt thou not, Jule?’ and, by my holidame, The pretty wretch left crying, and said ‘Ay’. To see now how a jest shall come about. I warrant, and I should live a thousand years, I never should forget it. ‘Wilt thou not, Jule?’ quoth he; And, pretty fool, it stinted, and said ‘Ay.’

Mercutio Raises a Spirit

Romeo is hiding in the dark, and Mercutio tries to conjure him out of it — by invoking his old flame Rosaline feature by feature, ending somewhere no exam question has ever followed him. The friends give up and go home; Romeo, listening, answers with the play's most famous line about scars and wounds.

I conjure thee by Rosaline’s bright eyes, By her high forehead and her scarlet lip, By her fine foot, straight leg, and quivering thigh, And the demesnes that there adjacent lie, That in thy likeness thou appear to us.

BENVOLIO. An if he hear thee, thou wilt anger him.

MERCUTIO. This cannot anger him. ’Twould anger him To raise a spirit in his mistress’ circle, Of some strange nature, letting it there stand Till she had laid it, and conjur’d it down; That were some spite. My invocation Is fair and honest, and, in his mistress’ name, I conjure only but to raise up him.

BENVOLIO. Come, he hath hid himself among these trees To be consorted with the humorous night. Blind is his love, and best befits the dark.

MERCUTIO. If love be blind, love cannot hit the mark. Now will he sit under a medlar tree, And wish his mistress were that kind of fruit As maids call medlars when they laugh alone. O Romeo, that she were, O that she were An open-arse and thou a poperin pear! Romeo, good night. I’ll to my truckle-bed. This field-bed is too cold for me to sleep. Come, shall we go?

BENVOLIO. Go then; for ’tis in vain To seek him here that means not to be found.

SCENE II. Capulet’s Garden.

ROMEO. He jests at scars that never felt a wound.

Gallop Apace, You Fiery-Footed Steeds

Juliet, married that morning and waiting for nightfall, delivers the most impatient speech in Shakespeare — 'learn me how to lose a winning match, play'd for a pair of stainless maidenhoods.' The imagery is exactly what it sounds like, which is why the scene gets one class period nationwide.

Gallop apace, you fiery-footed steeds, Towards Phoebus’ lodging. Such a waggoner As Phaeton would whip you to the west And bring in cloudy night immediately. Spread thy close curtain, love-performing night, That runaway’s eyes may wink, and Romeo Leap to these arms, untalk’d of and unseen. Lovers can see to do their amorous rites By their own beauties: or, if love be blind, It best agrees with night. Come, civil night, Thou sober-suited matron, all in black, And learn me how to lose a winning match, Play’d for a pair of stainless maidenhoods. Hood my unmann’d blood, bating in my cheeks, With thy black mantle, till strange love, grow bold, Think true love acted simple modesty. Come, night, come Romeo; come, thou day in night; For thou wilt lie upon the wings of night Whiter than new snow upon a raven’s back. Come gentle night, come loving black-brow’d night, Give me my Romeo, and when I shall die, Take him and cut him out in little stars