Naughty Parts Of

Homer The Odyssey

Homer's heroes spend ten years getting home to their wives, and the poem is scrupulously discreet about what happens with the goddesses along the way. The gods themselves get no such discretion — when a court bard wants to bring down the house, he sings about the time the god of war got caught in bed with the goddess of love.

The oldest bedroom-farce in Western literature, performed inside the oldest epic: an affair, a jealous husband with a forge, an invisible net, and the gods of Olympus gathered around the bed laughing — except the one who, asked whether he'd trade places with the trapped adulterer, gives the most honest answer in Homer.

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Samuel Butler's 1900 translation, unaltered. Project Gutenberg #1727. Cited by the divisions of the work itself.

The Sun Saw What They Were About

The affair, and the trap: Vulcan, tipped off by the sun himself, forges chains as fine as cobwebs, drapes them over the marriage bed, and announces a business trip.

Meanwhile the bard began to sing the loves of Mars and Venus, and how they first began their intrigue in the house of Vulcan. Mars made Venus many presents, and defiled King Vulcan’s marriage bed, so the sun, who saw what they were about, told Vulcan. Vulcan was very angry when he heard such dreadful news, so he went to his smithy brooding mischief, got his great anvil into its place, and began to forge some chains which none could either unloose or break, so that they might stay there in that place.69 When he had finished his snare he went into his bedroom and festooned the bed-posts all over with chains like cobwebs; he also let many hang down from the great beam of the ceiling. Not even a god could see them so fine and subtle were they. As soon as he had spread the chains all over the bed, he made as though he were setting out for the fair state of Lemnos, which of all places in the world was the one he was most fond of. But Mars kept no blind look out, and as soon as he saw him start, hurried off to his house, burning with love for Venus.

Now Venus was just come in from a visit to her father Jove, and was about sitting down when Mars came inside the house, and said as he took her hand in his own, “Let us go to the couch of Vulcan: he is not at home, but is gone off to Lemnos among the Sintians, whose speech is barbarous.”

She was nothing loth, so they went to the couch to take their rest, whereon they were caught in the toils which cunning Vulcan had spread for them, and could neither get up nor stir hand or foot, but found too late that they were in a trap.

The Gods Roared With Inextinguishable Laughter

The lovers wake unable to move a hand, the husband calls in the whole pantheon as witnesses — the goddesses, Homer notes, stayed home for shame; the gods came at once — and Mercury, asked if he would mind being the one in the net, says he'd take three times the chains with everyone watching.

On this the gods gathered to the house of Vulcan. Earth-encircling Neptune came, and Mercury the bringer of luck, and King Apollo, but the goddesses staid at home all of them for shame. Then the givers of all good things stood in the doorway, and the blessed gods roared with inextinguishable laughter, as they saw how cunning Vulcan had been, whereon one would turn towards his neighbour saying:

“Ill deeds do not prosper, and the weak confound the strong. See how limping Vulcan, lame as he is, has caught Mars who is the fleetest god in heaven; and now Mars will be cast in heavy damages.”

Thus did they converse, but King Apollo said to Mercury, “Messenger Mercury, giver of good things, you would not care how strong the chains were, would you, if you could sleep with Venus?”

“King Apollo,” answered Mercury, “I only wish I might get the chance, though there were three times as many chains